Marriage 101: Biblical Principles on Building Strong Relationships

Excerpted from Living Your Love Story.

In Song of Solomon chapter 2, the lovebirds are beginning a new phase in their courtship.

They are getting to know each other on a much deeper level. It is important to understand that men and women are equal but not the same physically or emotionally. God has made us unique as men and women (Genesis 1:27). While we are equal before God and created in His image, He created us as male and female.

Our society will argue that the differences in behavior between men and women are nothing more than the influence of social constructs, and men and women are essentially the same. Since it’s God and not culture who created male and female, He gets the final say. While men and women are similar, we’re clearly not the same. There are most certainly similarities and overlaps between the emotional needs of men and women, but our needs are different. When we fail to recognize our differences, it often leads to great disappointment.

In marriage, we need to learn each other’s basic needs and how God made us—this is fundamental, Marriage 101, and essential to marital intimacy and happiness.

What we are going to learn from Solomon and his beautiful “lily among thorns” is that men are made by God to feel strong, and women are made by God to feel beautiful. A woman will naturally celebrate beauty while men will naturally celebrate strength. Women can be both beautiful and strong, and men can certainly appreciate both beauty and strength. Some of the greatest artists in history have been men, and some of the strongest leaders in history have been women. But the emotional needs of men and women, while similar, are not really the same.

We learn from Solomon and the Shulamite about the deepest longings within the hearts of men and women and how they fall in love and stay in love. This is important to understand because every human being has an emotional bank account. With every conversation and interaction, we are either making deposits or withdrawals from each other’s bank accounts.

People fall in love with each other when deposits are consistently being made. In chapter 2, Solomon and the Shulamite fall in love because they are intentionally making many deposits into each other’s accounts. Men and women fall out of love when those same accounts become overdrawn.

When we think about marital intimacy, most people will immediately think about what happens in the bedroom behind closed doors. You do not get real sexual intimacy until you get intimacy that takes place in the heart and mind. Marital sexual intimacy is simply the overflow of marital intimacy emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. Intimacy can be defined as “in-to-me-see.” You will never know the depths of joy and intimacy sexually if you don’t have the intimacy of heart and mind—the soul and the spirit.

Deepest-Level Connection

This couple is learning about each other’s deepest needs throughout their courtship. They are not yet married, but they are connecting on a deeper level. As a pastor, I have counseled many married couples, and often a recurring pattern of dysfunction is a source of pain and strain.

For a marriage to be healthy, husbands and wives must learn how to meet each other’s deepest needs. It is not some revelation we download the moment we say, “I do.” We will naturally try to love our spouse the way we want to be loved. The way men feel loved and the way women feel loved are similar but, again, not the same.

Ephesians 5:33 gives us a clue. Women long for affection, while men long for admiration. It’s not that men don’t need affection and women don’t need admiration. It’s about how God has fundamentally made them feel loved by the other.

The Bible says in Matthew 19:6, “What God has joined together, let not man separate.” Getting married is easy. Having a marriage that lasts a lifetime is costly, and it is certainly not easy. It demands learning and maturing both as a couple and individually. When I look back at that younger Phil, I realize I didn’t have a clue what I was getting into. I didn’t really know what to do. Nobody told me ahead of time. I knew I loved my wife, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that I didn’t know how to love her. Truthfully, she didn’t really know how to love me either, though she was certain she loved me.

Who wants to be a flower, and who wants to be a stag?

The Shulamite compares herself to two very common flowers—the Rose of Sharon and the Lily of the Valley. She knows she is pretty, but not prettier than any of the other young women. Solomon quickly corrects her, saying, “Like a lily among thorns, so is my love among the daughters.”

Solomon was not dubbed the wisest man who ever lived for nothing. He understood that he needed to recognize her beauty and make sure she knew that among all the other flowers, she stood apart and captured his heart. This man is making major emotional deposits.

Historically, men bring a bouquet of flowers as a special gift for the woman they love. Flowers, by nature, are beautiful, and when presented to a woman, they can make her feel beautiful. This interaction gives us a glimpse into the longing of a woman’s heart and the need to be somebody’s Cinderella—beautiful, special, and cherished. This is the most important need God has given a woman, specifically for her husband to meet. Unless the husband recognizes that need, he cannot meet his wife’s needs. He may love her, but she won’t feel loved. She longs to feel beautiful and special.

His and Hers

We live in a society that is increasingly trying to make men like women and women like men. But even the secular movie and entertainment industry understands the differences between male and female audiences and knows how to capitalize on them.

As the father of a little girl and two little boys, it was evident from the time they were very young that they didn’t like watching the same movies. I would have to referee between Superman and Batman or Snow White and Cinderella. Society says we are all the same, but equal-ness is not same-ness. Men and women are equal but most definitely not the same. You can see the differences in the movies and cartoons they begin to gravitate toward from the earliest moments of a child’s life—long before any social constructs have had time to shape their behavior. Just walk up to any man or woman and ask them to name their top three all-time favorite movies. Chances are they won’t be sharing the same list.

This pattern is repeated in various ways, even when little girls grow up and become women. Whenever I’ve accompanied my wife to gatherings where all the ladies are wearing beautiful dresses, they greet each other by complimenting their attire and talking about how beautiful they look. You’ll never catch men greeting each other saying things like, “Oh, you look so handsome. Did you change your hair? I love the way that shirt looks on you.” No, on the contrary! I recently saw an old friend I hadn’t seen in some time. The first words out of his mouth were, “Hey, there’s the ugliest man I’ve ever seen.” I wasn’t offended. That’s just guy talk for “Hey, I’ve missed seeing you.”

It’s the same concerning where men and women live and how they decorate their surroundings. Women often decorate with beauty, while men tend to decorate with achievement. Single men often do not decorate at all. If they do, it is likely with old trophies from high school. On the other hand, women want to make their homes beautiful. A married man might have a man cave in a remote corner of the house that he decorates with sports memorabilia. The things he displays reveal how he is made. He is celebrating accomplishments. He is not displaying beauty but rather achievement.

When Christa and I go to someone’s house for dinner, it almost always goes something like this: We greet each other at the door, and immediately the wife says to Christa, “Hey, follow me to the kitchen. I want to show you my new countertops,” or, “Come and see my new kitchen cabinets.” Not one time has a husband beckoned me to come to the kitchen to show me the new countertops and cabinets. On the contrary, I usually follow him downstairs to his man cave so he can show me a deer head with big antlers or a big fish hanging on the wall. In the end, we are all just boys and girls in adult bodies. It’s how God created us. The heart of every woman longs not only to feel beautiful but to create beauty as well. She longs for others, and especially the man in her life, to see and affirm her beauty. Husbands, this is why you may come home from work, and your wife greets you at the door saying, “Look around. Do you notice anything different?” You have that deer in the headlights look, and you are praying, “Please, Jesus, show me what’s different.” She wants you to affirm the beauty she has created. You are looking into the heart of your wife. The apostle Peter understood this, as a married man, when he wrote in 1 Peter 3:7:

Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.

Husband, do you understand your wife? Do you know her intimately and emotionally? Most men do not. Peter is not speaking negatively about women. He is saying that you need to study your wife with the same passion you would study ESPN highlights, stats for your fantasy football league, or how to improve your golf game. It takes work to truly know and understand the heart of your wife.

Women are commonly offended by the notion that they are the weaker vessel when they don’t understand what Peter is really saying. This is not only a reference to the fact that women are typically smaller and physically weaker than their male counterparts. A weaker vessel was something to be cherished. He’s teaching that men are to place a higher value on women than even themselves, and especially their wives. A vessel in Peter’s time was a piece of ceramic pottery. The stronger vessels were commonplace and used for everyday purposes. They were not easily broken, but when they did, they were discarded.

Pieces of broken pottery can be found by the thousands to this day in ancient archaeological sites of the Holy Land. The weaker vessels were used to create beauty, and more time was taken to craft them. Think of a weaker vessel as a piece of fine china that would only be used on special occasions. Think how you would treat a priceless ceramic vase from the Ming Dynasty if you had possession of it. You would put it on a pedestal. You would handle it with care because it’s priceless and something to be cherished.

The Feminine Heart

Even the ancient fairy tale Snow White recognizes the longing of the feminine heart. “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?” Every woman, in some way, asks that question every day, and the most important mirror in her life is the most significant male in her life. “Does he see me? Am I special to him? Of all the other flowers in the world, does he think I am the most beautiful?” It begins when that little girl is still very young.

When my daughter was just a little girl, we returned home from a wedding where she was the flower girl. She was beaming at her reflection in the mirror and began twirling in her ruffly white dress. She didn’t know I was watching her. Then she looked at me, and I will never forget how she began to twirl for me. I became her mirror saying, “You are beautiful and special.”

My wife got out her wedding dress so Makay could dress up like she was the bride. Little boys don’t dress up like bridegrooms. They don’t want to wear a wedding tux just for fun or to dream of their wedding day. Little girls do. They love pretending they are a bride, and that should tell us something about the heart of a woman. Little girls dream about the day when they get to become somebody’s Cinderella—when she gets to be the bride, and her groom looks at her and says, “You are beautiful and special.” As a little girl, that man is her father. When she grows up and marries, that little girl is still in her, but the mirror is now her husband.

As husbands and fathers, we need to follow Solomon’s example to ensure the women in our lives know that in our eyes, all the other flowers are like thorns. How a man expresses his love will make her feel beautiful or like just another flower. This is how God made a woman and the reason He put her in your life. She will fall in love and stay in love with a man who makes her feel beautiful and special.

You may have thought she married you because you were so good-looking that she couldn’t resist. But the real reason may not be what you look like but how you made her feel—beautiful, special, and like someone to be treasured.

There’s a reason the story of Cinderella has been around for so long. The longing it reveals is hardly the result of a modern American social construct of a misogynistic culture built on male patriarchy. Linguists and those who study ancient literature tell us it originated 1,000 years ago in China—passed down from culture to culture, continent to continent, and generation to generation about the longing in a woman’s heart.

The Masculine Heart

Now on to the longing of a man’s heart. Wise is the wife who understands it. The Shulamite certainly did.

My beloved is mine, and I am his. He feeds his flock among the lilies. Until the day breaks and the shadows flee away, turn, my beloved, and be like a gazelle or a young stag upon the mountains of Bether (Song of Solomon 2:16-17).

In verse 16, she understands his needs are different from her needs and assures him that he is number one in her eyes. All of chapter 2 has been about their courtship. She is sharing a memory of this wonderful day they’ve spent together. As night descends in verse 17, she refers to the mountains of Bether that do not exist anywhere in the world. Bether means “separation, cutting, or cleavage.” In Song of Solomon, it is a metaphor for her breasts. She was saying that it was time for them to part ways because she wasn’t letting him near the mountains of Bether. Well done, future bride. She tells him when the dawn breaks, they can hang out some more.

Before she sends him on his way, she calls him a gazelle and a stag. What man doesn’t want to be called a stag? She is wise and knows how a man ticks. Solomon has told her she’s “like a lily among thorns,” the most beautiful flower of all the flowers of the field.

She doesn’t return his compliment by calling him a beautiful flower. No, men don’t care to be identified as flowers. They don’t long to be beautiful. Men long to be strong and have their women affirm the strength they see in them. She calls him a stag because that’s the language of men.

This is a virtuous woman who has committed herself to sexual chastity until she is married. But she doesn’t emasculate her man. She knows a man needs some swag. Our culture has worked hard to emasculate men—but not this woman. She wants her man to be both happy and healthy, and she knows he won’t be healthy or happy if she makes him feel weak. He needs to feel strong and longs for her to affirm his strength.

A man has two mirrors in his life—his woman and his work. Every day, in some way, he says, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, am I man enough at all? Am I strong enough?” A man will naturally retreat from any mirror that makes him feel weak. He may begin throwing himself more into his work or hobbies after years of marriage rather than his wife and his home. He will gravitate to whatever mirror makes him feel like a winner. Ladies, a man will fall in love and stay in love with a woman who makes him feel strong and good about his masculinity. Yes, he was drawn to your looks because he is a visual creature. But he fell in love with you because of how you made him feel. Like Solomon’s bride, you made him feel like a stag. A stud. You made him feel strong. It’s an emotional need, and it’s crucial every wife understands that and responds.

God has put strength in every man just as He has put beauty in every woman. Unfortunately, because of the fallen, sinful hearts within men, civilization abounds with accounts of strong men who were also bad men—using their strength to dominate women and prey on the weak.

Consequently, our society has equated strong men with bad men. It’s now assumed all masculinity is toxic. To eliminate bad men, our modern society has attempted to make all men weak. The problem is you don’t eliminate bad men by eliminating strong men. Otherwise, all that’s left are weak men who aren’t strong enough to deal with the bad men. It’s time to bring back some biblical masculinity to American society.

Gentleman, God made you strong. It’s time to stop denying it, avoiding it, letting others talk us out of it, and sometimes even apologizing for it. This is who we are because it’s how God made us. A man’s strength has nothing to do with how much he can bench press—it’s about his heart. That strength is not meant to prey on the weak but to protect the weak. It’s not meant to dominate a woman but rather serve her, even laying down his life for a woman like Christ did for the Church (Ephesians 5:25). Toxic masculinity is life-taking; biblical masculinity is life-giving. This is the biblical pattern we see emerging in the relationship between Solomon and the Shulamite.